Wildest dreams

Since young, i've always had friends that doubted me. I don't know whether i should call them friends after what they've done to me. I'm emotionally scarred by their words and actions.

"You'll never score higher than me."
"GPA of 2.4?! You're stupid!"
"Hidayah, you'll never be a teacher."
"You want to be a teacher? *laughs*"
"Eh masih menggangur eh?"

I feel like i made really bad choices in life, especially choosing friends. I have alot of 'friends' who are sarcastic to me 24/7.
Really, if you have nothing positive to say, then just keep your mouth shut.

Again and again i proved all of them wrong, doesn't matter whether they know it or not. Cause i know that i did it. Surprisingly, i did it.

I graduated with a much higher GPA and now i'm on this crazy journey of being a teacher.

You know, there's so many things that I want to do in life. So many things that i want to achieve.
1. Travel freely.
2. Be a malay teacher.
3. Get married.
4. Treat my future husband right.
5. Raise up my kids right.
I really want to have a happy family that I did not get as a kid or even now.

I just want a simple happy life.

It's perfectly ok to pause your life for a while.

This journey has been nothing but difficult. This journey has made me realised that you need to be patient always. This journey has made me much weaker but I know at the end of this journey, I will look back and be proud of myself. Simply because of the fact that I won't give up.

Dear heart,
Please take care of yourself. Your owner has not been taking care of you well. Please be patient in handling feelings and emotions because your owner needs to rest. Your owner needs time to make you feel better again. Dear heart, teach me how to love myself again.
Love, your owner.

Wrap me in your arms and tell me everything is worth it.

When i was a kid, i promise myself that i will never get married at all. Why? Because of 'bapak'. A person whom i was and still am terrified off. Yes, all fathers are strict, i get it.

The only happy memory that i had with him, was when i was still in kindergarten, he would take me to the playground near our house and after school, he will carry me on his shoulders. That's it.

I may sound very ungrateful (or maybe i am). But it hurts. When every single day, you just get shouted at, blamed at for the most ridiculous things. For the very minute things that happen.

Yes, i am very blessed that at least i have a place to live. But the mental torture every single day, i just can't.

You know what's worst? When he treats guests so nicely and loving. Then when it comes to his own children, its like we are trash in his eyes.

I wish i could find comfort in someone at home. But no. Even mak gave up on his attitude. Then, what about me?

Despite all that, i do love him. I do. But i hate the way he treats me most of the time. Maybe i'm not a good daughter. Maybe.

Love yourself

You need to know your self-worth. You need to love yourself before you can start loving others.

"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me and that what misses me was never meant for me." - Imam Shafi'i

Ya Allah, please ease my journey towards worshipping You. Please strengthen my faith towards You. I've sinned so much and please don't put me back into what You once took me out from.

LNT

Work has been surprisingly great for the past 2 weeks. No dramas, no lies, no scoldings. As i'm typing this, I really hope that things stay the way it is.

It's tiring. Of course. Mentally and physically draining. But i love my job as a teacher. No doubt. Is it too early to dream big? My goal is to become a malay teacher one day, in shaa Allah. I really hope to achieve that.

Innitially i wanted to rant in this post but i decided not to. And I don't see the need to anymore.

Allah listens and that's all that matter.

"Nasib I sayang"

I used to think that we are worlds apart.
"He's not that bad after all." - I tell that to myself every time I see you.
I used to think that you will never notice me. Never.

Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you can be so cute all the time.
Sometimes I look at you and wonder when will you be mine.

I remember when I was so sick that night and you sent me home. Putting your jacket on me to keep me warm. Listening to my constant rants and complaints. Just spending time together, looking at the moon. Still complaining to you about my past relationship. What an idiot. I still didn't notice that you liked me then. My entire world falls apart, my heart was shattered and I thought I would never be able to love again.

And then you came along and my life became beautiful. You knocked down the walls that I built so high. You taught me how to love again. Among all those guys that I've ever been with, you were the only one who was serious, who put in as much effort to make this relationship work.

I am so happy to have you in my life, please don't ever leave.

I question myself everyday.
Am I doing this right? Am I teaching this kids right?
What if I'm not teaching them to their fullest potential.
When I was a kid, I so badly wanted to become a teacher one day. And today as I live that dream, I feel guilty. I feel really guilty because I don't know if I am teaching them right. The responsibility as a teacher is so heavy. I come to work everyday, searching for something to spark the passion in me. Is it the environment? Is it the people? Or is it just me?
I really hope that this career is the right one for me.

Rezeki comes in many forms.

Sometimes, we tend to overlook it.
Sometimes, we think that we know better.
Then, there are times where you feel that your life is unfair.
Your life is miserable.
It's okay.
It's okay to feel that way.

Ever feel like everyone doesn't agree on the things that you do?
Ever feel like hiding under the blanket and go disappear?

What if i say, these are all normal?
Am I being a sadist?

I love moments like this.

Disaat hati terasa pilu,

bulan yang ku cari dahulu.

Disaat aku masih buta,

ku gagal melihatmu, cinta.

Mungkin sukar untukku terima,

kehadiranmu buatku gembira.

Mungkin kini aku sedar,

engkau datang mengubat duka.

Hari berganti hari,

engkau hadir sebagai penyeri.

Hari berganti hari,

engkau sahaja yang aku sayangi.

Tatkala bibir mengucapkan sah,

hati yang bersatu takkan terpisah.

Tatkala masjid sudah dibina,

Cerita kita kini bermula.

Sayang,

Inginku dakap tubuhmu

Inginku dengar ketawa riangmu

Inginku sering lihat senyuman manismu

Inginku jadi bakal isterimu

Suatu hari nanti, dengan izin Allah.

Time will tell

I feel like my life has changed so much in the past few months. For the better or for worse? Only time will tell. For now, i'll just take it slow. I need to breathe and calm myself down. Everything will be fine dayah. Stop worrying so much.

A step at a time

I've never felt so scared before. Right now, i'm scared of so many things. So many things i want to achieve but it's difficult. It's just that, things are getting real and i feel like i'm still in a dream. Wake up dayah, wake up. You're turning 21.

Expect the unexpected

Just when I thought that things will go my way. I guess we can never predict anything. Because indeed everything has been planned by Him. We will never truly know what is the outcome of it.

This is just another test from Him. I don't know why i keep failing everytime. Just when i thought it will go well, everything falls apart. I really hope and pray that things will turn out better. I don't know whether i am strong enough to overcome this. I just know that i never once gave up on something that i really care about.

If i do fall again, i hope Allah ease my affairs and make me stronger than ever. It is just so tough right now. Really tough. All i want to do is just hide under my blanket and cry. Cry till there's no more tears left.

He answered my prayers

A year ago, i felt so miserable.

Like many other individuals, we failed the interviews multiple times. For me, i failed thrice. Did it stop me from trying? Definitely not. But did i feel useless then? Yes i did.

Allah gives you rezeki in many different forms but we are either too blind to see it or too ungrateful to realise that everything is from Him.

I guess, i was the latter. But after all those setbacks, i did learned from my past mistakes and got what I wanted. But I am still not happy. I guess we humans only wants what we think is the best for us. But we fail to realise that Allah already gives us what is best for us.

Be grateful. Say Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered. May He ease our affairs.🍃

He came at the perfect timing. He came into your life when you were completely broken. He came and took all those pain away. He loved you with all his heart. He reminds you everyday how much he loves you. He seems perfect for you. Right now, you're in love with him. You're madly in love with him. But you're scared, you're scared of losing him. But you'll do anything for him, because he's a keeper.

A closure was all i needed

Its been a year now. And I finally deleted the photos. It was such a relief. Yes, it took so long. I took wayyyyy too long. But I'm glad i've moved on willingly, not forcefully. A closure was all i needed and I got it.

Another guy entered my life a few months back. No doubt i like him. But i'm being cautious of my feelings. Probably because i do not want to be hurt again. Is that wrong? I want it to be my last but all this you'll never know. And even if things don't work out between us, i hope i'll really be okay with it.

C O N F U S E D

It's been a while since i last blogged. And so many things have changed. It's been a crazy ride. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how I should act anymore. It's like i'm a different person with different people.

'Ya Allah, please don't put me back into what you once took me out from.'

It's been a year already. A year where I learnt to be independent. To realised that it's okay to be alone. The silence healed me. The alone time that I had healed me.

I am who I am

Its okay. If people don't like me because of my attitude, i accept it. I have nothing else to say to them. I just hope that people would listen to my side of the story before judging and scolding me.

-

I'm so glad that i came last night. Even though with a heavy heart, i still came because i care for them. I'm glad that i talked things out with them (those that i thought disliked me). It felt like my shouders are finally light again & my heart is finally healed.💖

Make it or break it.

This saturday will probably be my last.

I thought it was over

Getting myself into the same shit all over again. That is me. I always make things worst when everything is actually fine in the first place. Enough dayah. Enough is enough. Get yourself together.

Shattered

Trying hard to hold back my tears. I thought it was easy to let go. But it's slowly killing me on the inside. Your birthday is coming up, i hope you still keep the card that i gave you last year. It's just so hard not to remember. The way you smile, the way you laugh, i'm willing to go thru that all over again despite how painful it was. Up till now, i still can't believed that you left. You left with such a negative impression of yourself. It's really unexpected. I hope you're happy now with the way things are.

Been keeping myself busy so that I don't have time to overthink.

Picking up the broken pieces

This heart is still trying to heal.
No words could express how broken it is & how much it hurts inside.
I need to understand that no one can help me. No one, except Allah.
Only He can help me. Mend my heart & help me move on.
I can & I will, in shaa Allah.

Sabarlah hati

Ya Allah, tabahkanlah hati ini,
Kerana hati ini tidak sanggup.
Tidak sanggup untuk menanggung rindu.
Rindu dan pilu terhadap seseorang yang pernah ku cintai.

Jika benar ini takdirku.
Izinkanku untuk redha.
Supaya hati ini tidak lagi disakiti.
Supaya hati ini tidak mengulangi kesilapan ini.

Sesungguhnya cinta itu tulus.
Sebab itu sukar buat ku terima kepergianmu.
Tapi aku tahu Allah sudah tetapkan jodohku.
Sabarlah hati, tenangkan diri.

I hope he'll not be there tomorrow. Please. I don't want to see him. It still hurts.

I am so done.

It's just so tough. I don't know how long more I can pretend to be strong. I'm so tired. Can life just pause for awhile so that I can heal fully & go back to the way it used to be. :'(

I need that closure

It's crazy. How someone can mean so much to you but now you're nothing in their eyes. How someone can treat you with so much care and concern but are now cold towards you. It's so scary to keep a promise. It's so easy to say but so hard to really mean it.

It's stupid of me to be thinking of you every single day when i know that i'm no longer your priority. Wait. I am nothing to you.

I am so stressed out and i wish i had someone to talk to. To be physically there to make me feel safe.

"If ìts still hurt, you still care. It's not that, i'm just traumatized."

Ya Allah, even if it's going to take months or even years to recover, aku redha sebab dia bukan jodohku. I'll wait until the right one comes. Maybe he already appeared in my life, but there's no need to rush into things. Let my heart heal fully before I can start loving another.