Drifting away

I've tried and i've cried.
Laying in bed, while my eyes still red.
As i dry those tears, i still fear.
Fear of falling as i keep on trying.

We are all under the same sky

Sitting under the sky,

Dwelling about those lies.

Hoping to find some light,

In this darkness i try to fight.

A Superwoman In Disguise

Today, I nearly punch the wall again.
I feel really annoyed that people think that i'm a superwoman.
Look, I really can't be there to settle your problems.
I have my own problems too, ok?
I really don't understand why you can't do things by yourself?
Did I mature too fast? (Cause I find it ridiculous for someone older than me to not be independent)
I'm a human being too and I do need help at times.

I tried to understand.
I tried.

Tabahlah hati

Tabahkanlah hati ini, ya rabb.

Sesungguhnya aku hanya insan yang lemah.
Sesungguhnya aku sentiasa memerlukan petunjukmu.
Ada masanya aku ingin mengaku kalah.
Ada masanya aku terduduk, diam terpaku.

Ya Allah, kuatkanlah iman kami yang tak seberapa ini.
Sesungguhnya kami telah banyak berdosa terhadapMu.
Tetap cintaMu terhadap kami tiada ganti.
Kemaafan kami tidak pernah Kau jemu.

Janganlah letakkan aku kembali kepada tempat yang kau pernah lindungi aku sebelum ini.

Ya Allah, dari lubuk hati aku memohon maaf. Walau tangisan deras di pipi, walau mata tetap berkaca, walau hidup tetap sepi, walau mulut tak mampu berkata; tetap Allah yang kita ada.

Barely surviving

I thought of typing out a long post today but i decided not to. It's been really shitty. And i see not point in ranting about it.

How do you measure happiness?

Dear self, you cannot depend on others for happiness. You have to be happy in your own shoes. Do what you love to do. Nothing else matters because your happiness lies in your own hands.

Be grateful for the little things. Be nice to others. Give. Give. Give. Give as much as you can to people. Say nice words. Have positive thoughts.

You can overcome this. This is just another period that you have to deal with. Same like every other year. Stay strong.

Better days are coming.

Most of the time, I really just need to punch the walls and hurt my knuckles to let go of the emotions inside me.

Sometimes, I just need a hug and someone to tell me that everything will get better soon.

Sometimes, I just need to cry to sleep, hoping that i'll forget everything the next day.

Sometimes, I'll just stay in bed and wait till the next day to arrive.

Sometimes, I do feel like there's no point in living anymore.

I wish I was born with no feelings. Cause I can't trust anyone with my feelings. No one.

I feel that I should put in more effort in making myself happy. It's just so tiring to please others. And I can never depend on others to make myself happy.

I really want to dig deep and bury myself in a hole. Or at least hide myself under the blanket till i'm ready to face another vicious cycle.

Truth is, I can easily make lots of friends but i can never make a friendship last. Because i give a piece of myself to everyone and it doesn't seem like alot. And I lose myself each time.

A 'thank you' would be nice to hear.

It hurts when you put in so much effort in something but it doesn't get recognised or appreciated. Worst is when they look at you as if you didn't put in any effort at all. I really don't know if i've made the right decision. I don't know if i really deserve this.

The easiest path may not be the best path

Why did i choose this path instead? Why a teacher and not an optometrist? If i had stick to optom, i wouldn't have to go through all this craziness. I could have gotten $3k/month and lead a good life. I could have gotten $20k of bonus and pursue my part time degree. But i rejected all of that. Why dayah why.

Ya Allah, please make me strong to go through all this. With every hardship, there is ease right.