I, myself needed that Hidayah long time ago

It's just so scary. I need to remind myself that all of this is just a test. And that everything is temporary.

A random acquaintance came to me to ask me more about my sharing session. Tbh, I wasn't prepared. And i think i gave a wrong impression to those who came to the sharing session last week. (idk, just a feeling) :/

I'm still this confused girl. I attend all these talks and classes because I want to learn more about my religion, I want to discover myself. I want this time 'alone' to connect with the Almighty.

Please don't see me as someone who is up there, cause I'm really not and you don't know me. I still aim to be in a profession related to kids. I have no plans of becoming an ustazah. (Yes it is a respected profession but just because I want to learn more about my religion doesn't mean I plan to teach in this field.) I am insecure about myself and I really hope people don't misjudge me for who I really am. Just because I wore the hijab doesn't mean I can read the Quran well or have a good understanding about this religion. I'm still learning and my knowledge is really limited. So please don't see me as someone who know this religion well. I'm really scared.

I really hope people don't see the bad side of me. Cause I don't think I can heal from that.

And a good friend of mine shared this to me earlier on. :')

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 22:
Tidak ada sesuatu kesusahan (atau bala bencana) yang ditimpakan di bumi, dan tidak juga yang menimpa diri kamu, melainkan telah sedia ada di dalam Kitab (pengetahuan Kami) sebelum Kami menjadikannya; sesungguhnya mengadakan yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah.

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 23:
(Kamu diberitahu tentang itu) supaya kamu tidak bersedih hati akan apa yang telah luput daripada kamu, dan tidak pula bergembira (secara sombong dan bangga) dengan apa yang diberikan kepada kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah tidak suka kepada tiap-tiap orang yang sombong takbur, lagi membanggakan diri.

HE is telling us that its part of takdir and its easier for us to accept things that's beyond our controls. And it doesn't stop there.

JazakaAllah khair. May Allah protect us from the fitnah of this world and may He ease our affairs. Things will get harder but just know that Allah is always there for you. The little good deeds that you do will be rewarded multiple times by Him, in shaa Allah.

Keep me in your prayers.

Eyes closed. Deep breath. Move on.

I'm really not used to this feeling. This feeling of betrayal. But I guess that's what I needed. I needed that reality check to move on. To start anew. But before I can move on for real, my heart needs to heal. I don't know how, I don't know when, but i hope I don't have to lie to myself to be okay. "I'm fine." - when I'm actually not.

I really felt betrayed. It hurts more especially when it comes from someone that I never thought would do that to me. From someone that knows about me so much especially my shitty past. That constant betrayal in the past wasn't enough and now I have to deal with another betrayal? Someone that I love so much, left me just like that. Left me in just a blink of an eye. One moment, he was so scared of losing me. Next think I know, he was so eager to leave me.

I pray to Allah every single day to give me a sign. For months, I really thought I could figure this out. And I guess when I was given the truth right infront of my eyes, I fell into a state of denial. I couldn't believe the truth. He was so nice, he was so genuine. What happened? The painful part is that, he's not even feeling guilty for hurting me. An apology is all I needed from you. But i guess its so hard to say sorry. I'm so scarred by this.

Even so, I'm happy that you're with someone else now. "I told you so, I'm not good enough for you." She's way better than me in every single aspect. I guess that's what you need right now. And what I really need right now, is to come to my senses. I need to accept the fact that you're happy with someone else. I no longer hold a place in your life. I have to accept that.

I know this will take time. And right now, what I want is to focus on myself. Even if it's gonna take forever, I'm still gonna strive to achieve the things that I want. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me that I can't do this cause I'm sick of people pulling me down.

The sharing session from last week taught me that everyone will face different challenges. It just depends on how well each individual handle their respective challenges. Allah will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. This is His plans and I have to trust His plans. Trust Him.
I hold on to this quote from Imam Shafi'i;
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will not miss me and that what misses me was not meant for me."

I can do this. I know I can.

This heart is ill from all the negative thoughts

Aku berharap engkau faham
Faham akan apa yang aku rasakan sekarang ini
Hati yang dulu kau cuba pulihkan
Kini tinggal menjadi serpihan

Aku akui aku tidak layak bagimu
Tapi engkau janji kau takkan pergi
Namun janji itu engkau ingkari
Kini kau pergi meninggalkanku

Engkau kata kau tidak bersedia
Engkau kata kau ingin bebas
Kau sukaiku tapi kau belum bersedia
Aku terima alasanmu itu

Tapi sekarang apa?
Kau pergi daripada hidupku
Alasan yang kini aku tidak boleh terima
Kerana selama ini semuanya hanya mimpiku semata-mata

Engkau pergi bersama si dia
Tanpa menghirau perasaan yang telah kau luka
Engkau pergi mencari pengganti
Adakah cinta kita palsu selama ini?

Susah untukku percaya
Susah untukku terima
Tapi ini realiti yang harusku redha
Sesuatu peristiwa yang takkan ku lupa

Aku ingin membencimu
Tapi aku tahu aku tidak patut buat begitu
Hanya satu yang boleh aku lakukan
Aku tetap akan doakan kebahagiaanmu

Selamat tinggal teman.