Eyes closed. Deep breath. Move on.

I'm really not used to this feeling. This feeling of betrayal. But I guess that's what I needed. I needed that reality check to move on. To start anew. But before I can move on for real, my heart needs to heal. I don't know how, I don't know when, but i hope I don't have to lie to myself to be okay. "I'm fine." - when I'm actually not.

I really felt betrayed. It hurts more especially when it comes from someone that I never thought would do that to me. From someone that knows about me so much especially my shitty past. That constant betrayal in the past wasn't enough and now I have to deal with another betrayal? Someone that I love so much, left me just like that. Left me in just a blink of an eye. One moment, he was so scared of losing me. Next think I know, he was so eager to leave me.

I pray to Allah every single day to give me a sign. For months, I really thought I could figure this out. And I guess when I was given the truth right infront of my eyes, I fell into a state of denial. I couldn't believe the truth. He was so nice, he was so genuine. What happened? The painful part is that, he's not even feeling guilty for hurting me. An apology is all I needed from you. But i guess its so hard to say sorry. I'm so scarred by this.

Even so, I'm happy that you're with someone else now. "I told you so, I'm not good enough for you." She's way better than me in every single aspect. I guess that's what you need right now. And what I really need right now, is to come to my senses. I need to accept the fact that you're happy with someone else. I no longer hold a place in your life. I have to accept that.

I know this will take time. And right now, what I want is to focus on myself. Even if it's gonna take forever, I'm still gonna strive to achieve the things that I want. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me that I can't do this cause I'm sick of people pulling me down.

The sharing session from last week taught me that everyone will face different challenges. It just depends on how well each individual handle their respective challenges. Allah will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. This is His plans and I have to trust His plans. Trust Him.
I hold on to this quote from Imam Shafi'i;
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will not miss me and that what misses me was not meant for me."

I can do this. I know I can.