"He didn't give you any closure."

Ya Allah, if he's really not meant for me, please let my heart heal and not feel anything when the both of them is near me.

Invisible as always

I just wish that I had real friends.

Pain is temporary. Right?

Just forget about him dayah. It's for your own good. It takes time to heal, right? So, let time heal me. (i have to)

Tell me that everything's going to be alright.

Recently, I became a facilitator for a Night Cyling Event. Yet again, I was given the toughest group of kids to handle. It was tough for me but I'm glad my co-faci was always there to keep me sane and ensure that i was safe always.

But at the start, it was really a torture. Cycling around West Coast Park and East Coast Park. The two places that I had unforgettable memories with you. Better still, I had to partner up with your other half. It was painful; knowing that what used to be our special place, is no longer ours. I cried while cycling around WCP.  It's the place where we sat beside the sea, we had the scenery all to ourselves. Where you looked at me as if I was the best thing that had ever happened in your life.

You promised me you wouldn't leave. (If i ever left you, just find me at Bukit Batok Blk 314 - him)  How can I not be angry. How can I not be sad. How can I not feel betrayed. You lied. It's been 7 months and I'm still not over you. Stupid right?

And now that the entire group knows about you and her; 'ship-ing the both of you on whatsapp'. How can I live with that? As much as I want to leave that group, it's my responsibility to stay as a comm member. Why did I even join in the first place? It's like I'm stabbing myself every single day. I was the cause to all of this. Dumb dayah dumb.

I should just dissappear. People won't notice anyways.

He found you lost, and guided you.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku tak kuat untuk menghadapi semua ini. Berkali-kali ku cuba untuk melupakannya, berkali-kali ku cuba untuk menghilangkan perasaan ini. Tapi aku gagal, ya Allah. Aku ini hanya insan yang lemah.

Jadi kuatkanlah hati ini, izinkan aku untuk redha dengan qada dan qadar mu. Setiap air mata yang mengalir kerananya, harap engkau hapuskanlah dosa yang telah kita lakukan. Supaya apabila aku benar-benar terima hakikat ini, aku boleh teruskan hidupku tanpa memikir tentangnya lagi.

Jika dia jodohku, dekatilah kami. Tapi kalau dia bukan jodohku, jauhilah aku daripadanya. Izinkanlah aku untuk merasa cinta semula tapi kali ini, ku harap ia adalah cinta terakhirku.

Why are you sad when Allah is always there for you?

Allah only takes things away from you only because He wants to give you something better. He loves you and He only wants the best for you.

It may be hard to understand why things happened to us. Why bad things happened to us. But there is wisdom behind everything that happened. Trust Allah because He is the best of planners. You may not understand it now, but you will understand it eventually.

I am at point in my life where I actually do feel jealous seeing my friends, one by one getting engaged, one by one finding their love partner and here I am eating oreo with HL milk on the floor.

I really don't know. If he's really not meant for you, there's no way that you'll be together right?
Tawakkal dayah. Berserah kepada Allah. Allah loves you.❤

Blessed to be able to live yet another day

I remembered that day when I was so sick. I even vomited at the bus interchange, I felt so ashamed, i ran to the nearest toilet and cried inside the cubicle.
Thank god, my sis in law and brother rushed over to pick me up. Next thing i remembered, I was in a taxi on the way to the hospital. In the taxi, "Yellow by Coldplay" was being played. So much emotions, i can't even tell. Maybe, just maybe, i miss you(?)
That 6 hrs in the hospital was no joke. It was the most horrible moment in my life so far. [Yes, getting dumped by someone you love is not that horrible after all.]
Anyways, after this incident, it really taught me to appreciate life more. Live life to the fullest they say, so true. I have to start loving myself before i can start loving others.❤

I, myself needed that Hidayah long time ago

It's just so scary. I need to remind myself that all of this is just a test. And that everything is temporary.

A random acquaintance came to me to ask me more about my sharing session. Tbh, I wasn't prepared. And i think i gave a wrong impression to those who came to the sharing session last week. (idk, just a feeling) :/

I'm still this confused girl. I attend all these talks and classes because I want to learn more about my religion, I want to discover myself. I want this time 'alone' to connect with the Almighty.

Please don't see me as someone who is up there, cause I'm really not and you don't know me. I still aim to be in a profession related to kids. I have no plans of becoming an ustazah. (Yes it is a respected profession but just because I want to learn more about my religion doesn't mean I plan to teach in this field.) I am insecure about myself and I really hope people don't misjudge me for who I really am. Just because I wore the hijab doesn't mean I can read the Quran well or have a good understanding about this religion. I'm still learning and my knowledge is really limited. So please don't see me as someone who know this religion well. I'm really scared.

I really hope people don't see the bad side of me. Cause I don't think I can heal from that.

And a good friend of mine shared this to me earlier on. :')

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 22:
Tidak ada sesuatu kesusahan (atau bala bencana) yang ditimpakan di bumi, dan tidak juga yang menimpa diri kamu, melainkan telah sedia ada di dalam Kitab (pengetahuan Kami) sebelum Kami menjadikannya; sesungguhnya mengadakan yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah.

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 23:
(Kamu diberitahu tentang itu) supaya kamu tidak bersedih hati akan apa yang telah luput daripada kamu, dan tidak pula bergembira (secara sombong dan bangga) dengan apa yang diberikan kepada kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah tidak suka kepada tiap-tiap orang yang sombong takbur, lagi membanggakan diri.

HE is telling us that its part of takdir and its easier for us to accept things that's beyond our controls. And it doesn't stop there.

JazakaAllah khair. May Allah protect us from the fitnah of this world and may He ease our affairs. Things will get harder but just know that Allah is always there for you. The little good deeds that you do will be rewarded multiple times by Him, in shaa Allah.

Keep me in your prayers.

Eyes closed. Deep breath. Move on.

I'm really not used to this feeling. This feeling of betrayal. But I guess that's what I needed. I needed that reality check to move on. To start anew. But before I can move on for real, my heart needs to heal. I don't know how, I don't know when, but i hope I don't have to lie to myself to be okay. "I'm fine." - when I'm actually not.

I really felt betrayed. It hurts more especially when it comes from someone that I never thought would do that to me. From someone that knows about me so much especially my shitty past. That constant betrayal in the past wasn't enough and now I have to deal with another betrayal? Someone that I love so much, left me just like that. Left me in just a blink of an eye. One moment, he was so scared of losing me. Next think I know, he was so eager to leave me.

I pray to Allah every single day to give me a sign. For months, I really thought I could figure this out. And I guess when I was given the truth right infront of my eyes, I fell into a state of denial. I couldn't believe the truth. He was so nice, he was so genuine. What happened? The painful part is that, he's not even feeling guilty for hurting me. An apology is all I needed from you. But i guess its so hard to say sorry. I'm so scarred by this.

Even so, I'm happy that you're with someone else now. "I told you so, I'm not good enough for you." She's way better than me in every single aspect. I guess that's what you need right now. And what I really need right now, is to come to my senses. I need to accept the fact that you're happy with someone else. I no longer hold a place in your life. I have to accept that.

I know this will take time. And right now, what I want is to focus on myself. Even if it's gonna take forever, I'm still gonna strive to achieve the things that I want. I'm not gonna let anyone tell me that I can't do this cause I'm sick of people pulling me down.

The sharing session from last week taught me that everyone will face different challenges. It just depends on how well each individual handle their respective challenges. Allah will not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. This is His plans and I have to trust His plans. Trust Him.
I hold on to this quote from Imam Shafi'i;
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will not miss me and that what misses me was not meant for me."

I can do this. I know I can.

This heart is ill from all the negative thoughts

Aku berharap engkau faham
Faham akan apa yang aku rasakan sekarang ini
Hati yang dulu kau cuba pulihkan
Kini tinggal menjadi serpihan

Aku akui aku tidak layak bagimu
Tapi engkau janji kau takkan pergi
Namun janji itu engkau ingkari
Kini kau pergi meninggalkanku

Engkau kata kau tidak bersedia
Engkau kata kau ingin bebas
Kau sukaiku tapi kau belum bersedia
Aku terima alasanmu itu

Tapi sekarang apa?
Kau pergi daripada hidupku
Alasan yang kini aku tidak boleh terima
Kerana selama ini semuanya hanya mimpiku semata-mata

Engkau pergi bersama si dia
Tanpa menghirau perasaan yang telah kau luka
Engkau pergi mencari pengganti
Adakah cinta kita palsu selama ini?

Susah untukku percaya
Susah untukku terima
Tapi ini realiti yang harusku redha
Sesuatu peristiwa yang takkan ku lupa

Aku ingin membencimu
Tapi aku tahu aku tidak patut buat begitu
Hanya satu yang boleh aku lakukan
Aku tetap akan doakan kebahagiaanmu

Selamat tinggal teman.

Talking to the moon

Cant sleep at night
Thinking what couldve been done right
If only we could rewind
To make eveything seems fine
Where there was only you and i
Except now its just goodbye

LNT

2 years ago, I was so disturbed by the fact that I lost one of my best friend. Took me 2 years to accept the fact that everything is temporary in this world. A few days ago, I lost another one. So how many years will it take for me to accept this?

I blame myself every single time I lost a friend. Its like i don't know how to treat people anymore. I just repel every single one. I just wished that there's just something that I am good at, not to show off but to be proud of myself for at least once. To make my parents proud. Cause all that I've done so far is letting people down, letting myself down. I'm tired. My mind kept telling me to give up, but the inner dayah kept telling me to be brave and stay strong. Hidz destroyed me. Hidz was just another personality that i developed because i thought being Hidz would make me happier. But no, it shattered me into pieces. Dayah was happier then, she destroyed her own life using her own hands.

I just need someone to cry to. to lend me a shoulder. to listen to me. cause idk how long i can force myself to be strong. I am busy now which makes things easier. But when everything is over, and i have more time to myself, i don't want to feel alone. I just need a hug.

Letting go is always the hardest

Lost. Lost in this reality where I hope that it was all a dream.

When i thought that this was going to be my last. I was so sure of it. But i guess it was not meant to be. That happiness was just temporary. Even though it lasted for a year, it was the best one year ever. Feeling miserable every single night, thinking what actually went wrong. It hurts so bad, like being stabbed in the heart non-stop. This time, nothing can mend it.

I pray that Allah will keep you safe and happy always.

Your friend,
Hidz

So I died a little bit more

You know, they say things get better. But really, do they?

I've not yet come to a point of acceptance. Right now, I'm in my own little world where I fake my own happiness. I'm in this little bubble where I'm so afraid that someone is going to destroy me by just a single 'touch'. I'm so fragile right now. All I want right now is comfort, to feel loved. I just need the right hug to remove all the sadness that is contained in me. I just want to be happy, that's all i ask for.

Hidz

Alot of things happened. I'm no longer the cheerful, bubbly girl who can easily make friends. I'm no longer that. I no longer know how to talk to people. I hate this. I hate it alot. I don't know who I am anymore and it scares me.

So I avoided people

"Ever had this feeling that you want to be all alone because you don’t deserve anyone? Because you did something awful, horrible, disgusting and it makes you feel guilty? I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve tried my best to be good but i keep failing. 

I wished i could go back last year, where things were better. Where everything & everyone around me motivates me to be better. I was at the peak but you know what they say, “what goes up, must come down”. And i fell. Fell so deep. Distracted by things, by people. Especially people. 

I came to realise that people will disappoint you and so i avoided people. Killed my feelings, my heart grew hard and cold. Feelings can either help you or destroy you. And in my case, it was the latter. Being alone does help me but at the same time, it’s hurting me. To the point where i feel numb towards things. 

I remind myself that I only need Him but still… Guess that i don’t have complete faith in things. After typing this out, i realise that i’m clueless as to what i want and how i want to lead my life. And also, I’m so bad at putting my thoughts into words cause they are in a mess. Probably that explains why i have horrible marks for my essays. 

I just wanna be how i used to be. That cheerful, happy go lucky, caring guy."

I can so relate to this :(

You are never alone.

It's perfectly okay to walk this journey alone.